Today at the Forum: Real men don't abuse

Friday, June 15, 2007

Real men don't abuse

Over time males have been challenged to do all sorts of things to prove they're "real men." On Sunday, in the pages of this newspaper, 400 local men will earn the designation -- by signing their names.

Doctors, businessmen, athletes, educators, clergyman and a professional football coach have endorsed a public letter committing to end domestic violence. They pledge to never "look the other way" again, never to ignore or passively abide the fact that 2.5 million American women are abused by their partners, 4,000 of them fatally.

Domestic violence has long been viewed as largely a women's issue. Experts say that even when men have served time in jail, paid fines and faced restrictive orders because of it, they often can commiserate with a male friend and get support, not shunning.

How encouraging to see strong, smart, successful males put their collective weight down on this issue. Abusers look pathetic alongside them.

Sunday's ad focuses on abuse of women, but does mention children. Let's hope men step forward as forcefully against child abuse. This week's excruciating story about the brutal abuse and murder of little Trustin Blue, a 3-year-old who was raped and beaten so badly that his bones tore away from his body, is cause enough for all men and women to add their voices the crusade.

10 Comments:

at 8:57 PM, June 15, 2007

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what cause I'd like to see the Enquirer get behind: The One Campaign against poverty.

This cause has the support of both major parties. Here's a recent press release from the RNC:

“There are some issues that transcend partisanship. In places where children die of starvation, where twelve-year-olds must raise five-year-olds because there are no more adults, where simply staying alive every single day is a challenge that too many will not meet, the differences between Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, become meaningless.

“President Bush has committed more resources to combating AIDS and poverty in the Third World than any other President in American history. He doesn’t do it because he’s a Republican. He doesn’t do it because it’s good politics. He does it because it’s the right thing to do. And now, we have the opportunity to make sure our next President carries on that tradition.

“ONE Vote ’08 is a nonprofit campaign dedicated to making sure the issues of global health and poverty are a part of our national discussion as we elect our next president. It is completely bipartisan. Both Democrat and Republican political professionals have pledged themselves to making sure this campaign, the campaign to help relieve suffering unlike anything most of us have ever encountered, wins in 2008, no matter which candidate reaches the White House.

“My job, every single day, is to elect Republican candidates, and I am tremendously dedicated to that job. But if we can join with Democrats to make sure that this issue remains at the forefront of the next President’s agenda, no matter who that President may be, then I am proud to do it. ONE Vote ’08 is doing an amazing, compassionate thing, and I am proud to say that the RNC supports their efforts completely.”

The DNC has also issued a press release:

“Global poverty remains one of the most pressing issues of our time. While it will require a steady focus and united effort to tackle this problem, it is a solvable issue that is not beyond the reach of this generation. Already we have seen what can happen when we join forces to work together for the common good. A diverse group of bi-partisan leaders, from philanthropists, to non-profits, to government have come together to advance this great cause. But there is still work to be done. America has an opportunity to demonstrate moral leadership by showing that we can be a force for compassion that works to alleviate the suffering of others.

“As we head into the 2008 election, Democratic Presidential candidates have made eradicating hunger, poverty and HIV/AIDS a cornerstone of their campaigns. We are proud to have a diverse field of candidates who reflect the core Democratic values of fairness and social justice, values which the Party has a long and proud history of championing. On the Congressional front Democratic leaders have worked to increase funding for the Global Aids Fund and health care programs for developing nations. This much-needed funding will go to fight preventable diseases that continue to ravage poverty stricken areas of the world. In addition, the Congressional Black Caucus has been a tireless advocate in fighting to highlight HIV/AIDS in Africa and genocide in Darfur even before the spotlight was focused on these issues.

“The One Vote 08' effort has brought together a great team of leaders including key Democratic strategists and members of our own DNC Faith Advisory Council. The Democratic Party is wholly committed to playing a leading role in working to eradicate global poverty. As a nation at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, America is witnessing first hand the despair that regional poverty and social instability cause around the world. A lack of education, adequate health care and the absence of hope and opportunity often lead to conditions that wreak havoc on our global and national security. Therefore, it is in all our best interests to work together to address these issues head on. Through our efforts we can send a message to the world that America's concern for the least of these is a core value that reflects the goodness and greatness of our county's founding principles."

I urge everyone to join the One Campaign today.

at 8:38 AM, June 16, 2007

Anonymous said...

They sign their names to state that they are against abuse? Wow, how courageous of these real men...

Puh-lease, empty gestures such as this are just so cliched anymore.

Uh, I beat my wife, but, hmmmm, O'Dell Owens and John Pepper are against it, so, I guess I ought to cut that out.

C'mon...

at 10:41 AM, June 18, 2007

Anonymous said...

Every man who signed that document, every single one, is to be praised and commended, and held to their promise. As a single woman, I can also tell you the "eligibility" of the single men who signed just went through the roof. And as a survivor of spousal abuse (I got out in less than a year and never looked back) it's very refreshing to know some men out there still regard a woman as someone to hold precious, not as a punching bag. Abusers are not men of any kind, they are cowards and slime. So, THANK YOU, REAL MEN of Cincinnati!

at 1:02 PM, June 20, 2007

Anonymous said...

The Sexism lives on thanks to ongoing bias in the media and our society. What sexism?
Why the sexism that makes it the de rigeur presumption that men are always the perpetrators of violence against women and children.

Here's a news flash, almost half of all domestic violence is perpetrated and initiated by WOMEN. Further, women are more likely to assault with a knife or hurl a dangerous object. More in depth studies have shown that a large percentage of the domestic violence cases in which women are non-trivially harmed are actually initiated by the alleged victim.

Demonizing men does little to actually change the situation. So long as women are also doing the abusing and initiating violence and so long as the press, law enforcement, and the legal system turn a blind eye to it, domestic violence will continue be a problem.

A fair, honest, and unbiased approach is needed Not more misandristic bashing

at 1:44 PM, June 20, 2007

David Wells said...

Anonymous 1:02 seems to be invoking a "she hit me first" defense for domestic violence. I hope I'm not the only one who sees how absurd that excuse is. Comments?

at 6:31 PM, June 20, 2007

Anonymous said...

David,

Men ARE battered. There's no defense for THAT just as there's no defense for assaulting women.

But people do fight and abuse each other and it's not just men doing it and it's not just a few women who do it either.

Seems that many playing the "victim card" think that they don't have to be held accountable, or worse, that noting that their "victim class" may at times be as bad or worse than their purported victimizers somehow makes violence OK.

Either it's wrong or it's not. If it's wrong, then women need to be held accountable just like men. I NEVER hear about it happening, even though women are virtually as violent as men. I do hear about how violent men are and how nearly universally responsible for DV men are.

So much has be written about "violence against women". Yet the problem never seems to go away. Perhaps it's that some women are about half of the problem?

I yanked this off the web, but it jibes with more serious research I did on this subject some years ago.

"According to the NIJ/CDC National Violence Against Women survey, 10.8% of the women but only 4.1% of the men used a knife on the victim. 21.6% of the male victims were threatened with a knife, while only 12.7% of the women were so threatened. 43.2% of the male victims were hit with a hard object capable of causing serious injury, while this was true of only 22.6% of the female victims. When all serious forms of domestic assault were added together, as many assaulted men as women were seriously assaulted."

and

"A survey 0f 1,000 women, perhaps the largest survey of its kind, found that 20% had initiated violence. The most common reasons for women initiating domestic violence were: "My partner wasn't sensitive to my needs," (46%), "I wished to gain my partner's attention," (44%) and "My partner was not listening to me" (43%). "My partner was being verbally abusive to me" (38%) was a distant fourth.

Source: Fiebert. M. and Gonzalez, D. (1997). College Women Who Initiate Assaults on their Male Partners and the Reasons Offered for Such Behavior. Psychological Reports, 80, 583-590 (1997)

Remember, the above survey is of college women, without any of the stresses of a real-life live-in relationship with or without children or serious money problems.

I know abusive women. They exist. They can and have harmed men in non-trivial ways. That's a fact. If violent women were to just (magically) stop, there would still be plenty of domestic violence, and that's not acceptable. BUT, if we (or rather YOU in the media) stop giving women a free pass, for a change, it's quite possible that we can make a real dent in some very preventable domestic violence both of sort solely caused by women and more importantly the type that spirals out of control thanks to TWO parties going at it.

And sure, keep at male initiated violence while you're at it, and as you have have been and enjoy the added credibility.

at 6:59 PM, June 20, 2007

Anonymous said...

One bit of clarification. What got me going on this thread is this comment:

They pledge to never "look the other way" again, never to ignore or passively abide the fact that 2.5 million American women are abused by their partners, 4,000 of them fatally.

Do you people ever check facts?

Or is it that it's unimportant to bother if your talking about bad things that men do?

The CDC reports that roughly 1.5 million American women were seriously harmed (vs. a grossly underreported, imo, 800k men), or alternately some 5.2MM women were mostly trivially (pushed, etc.) assaulted. Neither jibes with the 2.5 million number thrown out for us to unquestioningly swallow.

WORSE, the CDC reports that not 4000 women but rather more like 1200 women were fatally injured by a domestic partner.

The data is right there. I am left to merely wonder why it's so unimportant to do basic homework when it comes to writing about the ill men do...

So, yeah, you get to understand why I called it sexism. Sorry for not being clearer.

at 11:42 PM, June 20, 2007

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1:02...for such a strong, staunchly held position, why not sign your name to it? I'm interested to know where you get your "facts." Yes, it is true that women can be the perpetrators of domestic violence. However, the education (through coursework, job trainings, and academic readings) I have received has led me to believe that it is FAR less common than you seem to believe/have heard. Let me ask you something--this DV perpetrated by women--is it in the form of a shove? Throwing something like a vase or lamp? Swinging away with a pot, pan or other light object? I'm not making light of women who perpetrate, but get real. Show me a woman who can perpetrate violence on a man to the same degree that a man can to that woman, and I'll shut my mouth. And that's the crux of this--men don't NEED objects to hurt women. They have 5 appendages readily available to inflict violence on a women, and on the whole, men are capable of inflicting far more substantial damage to a woman in a DV situation than vice versa. Once again, I AM NOT saying women don't perpetrate, and I am not excusing the use of violence against men. Nobody should have to live in fear of DV. But let's be real here, women far outnumber men as victims, and men far outnumber women as perpetrators. You do the math and figure out who's beating who, and who should be scared. For some reason you won't sign your name or cite your source (which happens to be in direct contrast to the vast majority of research conducted on DV). I can only hope you're anonymously playing devil's advocate, rather than exposing your own ignorance about this critical topic.

at 9:03 AM, June 21, 2007

Anonymous said...

Christine,
The facts speak for themselves, while anonymity allows me to avoid the typical character assassination that commonly occurs when men have the courage to call women on sexism.

Regardless of your coursework (no doubt taught by someone with and agenda) the data are pretty clear and credible (there's this thing called "Google" and you can type in "domestic violence" and "CDC" and see what you come up with).

The reality is actually much worse when you consider that abused men don't typically report their abuse. They know that they will either not be taken seriously, or will be ridiculed. To pretend it is otherwise is to ignore reality. As a man, I can tell you that I have real life experience with that. I didn't and wouldn't bother trying to report such things to authorities. Most men wouldn't either. So, a grossly underreported 800,000 men are assaulted in a domestic setting. It never gets talked about.

But the sexism in that is clear. You, yourself, Christine show it. Note how you downplay a thrown object like a lamp or pan. Have you ever been hit with one of these things? How about in the face? They are weapons, especially when a raised hand in defense gets a man branded an "abuser". Even then, you ignore the use of knives by women. Are you pretending that such doesn't do as much damage in the hands of a woman as a man?

Further, you're falling into old gender stereotypes. Look at the average size of a woman today versus 25 years ago. Women are bigger than they were. They also are much more likely to be much stronger. It's an interesting societal change (and a good one, I suppose), but the bottom line is that men and women in the prime DV age range aren't quite the mismatch you pretend. I don't have a source for you, but I'm sure you can Google one that'll show you that the incidence of violence generally perpetrated by women is up well up. Women are bigger, stronger, tougher, and more competent at being violent than ever before. Whereas men are still larger, they are afforded virtually NO legal or societal protection from such violence. And don't forget, the worst abusers often select their victims for their disinclination to fight back.

Sexism is a funny thing. It cuts both ways. I'm not buying into it. In order for evil to be perpetrated and to succeed, it requires the sanction of the victim. Men have been sanctioning improper and violent behavior by women for far too long--buying into the same type of sexism that marginalized women for so long. It needs to stop.

In my view, the entire societal approach to DV needs to reflect reality. Most DV isn't a "good woman/bad man" type of thing. It's two screwed up people who have let violence become part of their relationship either due to drugs or alcohol or through emotional duress, or psychological disorder/disfunction. Until we take an unbiased approach ( and treat women as equals I might add), type of DV is likely to be more prevalent than it should be. Worse, true, malevolent abuse by women will be largely overlooked or even sanctioned.

So, I'm making a stand and calling a spade a spade. Women need to step up, too.

Signed, Anon2U

at 9:47 AM, June 22, 2007

Anonymous said...

Women do abuse men, this is true. Men abuse women, this is also true. That's all that matters in this debate, not HOW MANY of each hit the other. HITTING is wrong, regardless of who's doing it. Grown adults should have more repect for each other. If you don't get along, then get away, but do not get violent, ever. I don't care what your gender is...keep your hands to yourself, period.

Previous Posts

Friday, June 15, 2007

Real men don't abuse

10 Comments: